I’m Hanna and I’m 14.  I get straight A’s, and am know to most as happy, hyper, cheerful, etc, but they only think they know me.

 No one knows the full story, but here is most of it: Earlier this year, I went through a tough time.  I wish I had something traumatic to blame it on, but it was really just my own self-pity.  I felt that I would never be good enough to do anything, and I seriously considered self-harm, bulimia, anorexia, and later suicide.  I had gone through a couple months the summer before where I just stopped eating to get a “good” body.  But this time, all that I ever really did was cutting.

I finally got up the nerve to tell my good friend at the time, who instead of reacting, showed me her scars and cuts.  I became even more emotionally unstable.  I finally told my other friend who felt bad, but she didn’t understand, and I didn’t really expect her too.  I had gone way too far.  

I kept this up for a couple months, when one day I woke up after another countless night of falling asleep crying and bleeding.  I then realized that nothing I was doing was helping me, and that I was only hurting myself, and the ones around me.  I stopped cutting, and since then have only relapsed once. 

I am proud to be a survivor.

THERE ARE REASONS TO LIVE, TELL US YOURS

some thoughts…

I was a lucky kid. I had wonderful parents, lived in the country, and was encouraged to be whoever I wanted to be. The kids at school didn’t like that. I never fit in properly with society. No real social skills and a math/science wiz… many people now think I may be mildly autistic. Not that the labels matter. Thay really don’t. They limit what you think of yourself and what others think of you. Not the point.

Anyway, the first person to really like me was a boy. I was only 13 and he only 15, but I was head-over-heals in love. He was magical. He was always happy and could make anyone else happy too. And when I cut myself and told him over the phone that I had contemplated suicide he freaked out at me. He said he would not have that conversation with me. It was unthinkable and unspeakable. Four months later he hung himself. The last thing he said to me was that he just wanted to be ‘normal’, and that he had tried to hang himself the night before. Writing this today, almost 12 years later I still miss him. And I still have never meet anyone so.. special. It took me a decade to forgive myself for not somehow stopping him from doing it. So many years I spent with a guilty conscience for no good reason. Those years I spent “spinning my wheels” so to speak, trying to ‘save’ everyone I came in contact with in any way possible. And because of that I neglected myself time after time. 

We all have our tales of woe. The important thing is to remember you are not alone. Things will happen in your life that are painful and difficult. But things can be magical and beautiful too… it all depends on where you look and how you decide to see it. 

And remember, if you were always happy, then you would never truely but happy at all. Without downs we can never really have ups. So cry and scream when you need to, it is okay. Your feelings are valid, no matter what anyone says, even yourself. And when your tears all run out, try a fake smile in the mirror, then laugh at how a smile looks on a tear stroked face and do something for YOU. Today. Every day. We all deserve to be loved and the best way is to learn to love yourself, despite what you think are your flaws, and love that you are an individual. Dr. Seuss can never be wrong, after all, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

THERE ARE REASONS TO LIVE, TELL US YOURS

It Will Be Hard

The road to getting better is a long one.  There used to be days that I didn’t feel like getting up and going on with life.  I felt so alone, but I stuck it out.  The world may have a way of beating you down, but it is also strangely compassionate; if you only wait to see the next day, the world will do its best to reopen your eyes.  I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true.  With your reopened eyes, you see the whole world in a new perspective.  The best part about being at the bottom is how beautiful everything is when you emerge from the hole.  You start to realize how many people had been calling your name and looking for you, but you just hadn’t been able to hear it.  I’m not saying that life is just dandy when you are able to put away the worst; the scars will always be there.  They will always be there to show you all that you’ve been through and how far you’ve come.  We all have these scars. They make us who we are. More importantly they are what connect us to each other.  Remember that you are not alone.  We are all in this life together.  Together we will make it.-www.weareinthecloud.tumblr.com

THERE ARE REASONS TO LIVE, TELL US YOURS

a little story

My name is Zoe. I am 18 years old. I have manic depression, bipolar, anxiety, and constant negative thinking and i have spent my adolescent life in hospitals, therapeutic treatment programs, psychiatric programs. I have over come an eating disorder and a self harm problem. I am over weight and constantly beat myself up over it. I chopped off all my hair and my entire life, I have been picked on and bullied for the way i look. I have attempted suicide 4 times and almost succeed once.

I came across this blog threw another users reblog of a video. the words people have said are completely true because even though my days today might not be good. I have faith in those around me and in the words my friends and family say. things will get better. I promise. Three years ago, I was cutting more than 5 times every day and my daily meals consisted of a small stick of celery and a water. Now, I’m eating 3 full meals and I haven’t cut in over a year despite the turn my life has taken. My parents are divorced and i’ve been homeless for 2 months. I just recently moved in to a small house in Maine with my mother. My depression has gotten the best of me, but like every one has said, it will pass. better days are yet to come. things will get better and i know this because i can step away from my life and compare where i am now, to where i was 3 years ago. I have people who love me everywhere around me. I hope that people who read this and read this blog who are feeling or have felt the same way realize that the end is coming and that happiness is soon to come. I love every single one of you and you have reasons to live <3

THERE ARE REASONS TO LIVE, TELL US YOURS